welcome to the sophomore year of life

i just remembered i had this online journal. it has been nearly a year since i wrote the last post, sitting in the coffeehouse in grand rapids, mn, killing time before the college fair. in a month, i'll go back to grand rapids for the same fair. but this time, in the second year after the massive transition of last summer, i will feel the effects of building a new foundation on my own.

re-reading this journal resurrects the unsettling memories of last year, of the constant motion and exciting - yet terrifying - feeling of being on my own. in this past year, i've thought a lot about foundations. and i wonder: where do we find home? is it a solid location, an address, a place where we receive mail? or is it in the hearts of those with whom you keep company? is it the intangible sense of community, of needing people and feeling needed, that comforts us enough? nothing has the same calm sense my bed in my childhood home on my quiet street in casper. but in the past year, i have found home in time in friends' living rooms, lounging around like puppies on top of each other; in quiet conversations between two on a drive or a walk; in invitations for special nights out to celebrate friends as friends. to build a new home from the rubble of the sudden destruction of a four-year home and family... it quite a challenge. i remember my friend kevin telling me last year how everyday brings something new during the first year out of college. it's true, and i still have those feelings. i mean, i have yet to master the perfect meal, or host a dinner party (or any nice party, for that matter), or go a few weeks without a beer at the Tavern (and why should i?) but i think i'm getting the hang of depending on myself.

everyone warns of the challenge of finding a job, and paying for food and gas, and looking for apartments. but no one prepares you for the incredible toll it takes on the psyche to salvage what social capital remains and create a sense of meaning. some see making money and being successful financially as the end-all, be-all of existence, the culmination of years of hard work. do we value those around us with the same standards? it is more challenging to find the foundation of people to enrich daily life. so far, i'm succeeding. but my guess is that it's a lifelong process... and maybe that's why it's uncommon to measure it explicitly.

i'm listening to norah jones' first album and it's almost midnight. nj has the uncanny ability to ease tension. this is a lot to chew on at 11:43 pm. does it even make sense?

birthplace of judy garland

i would love to have the ability to disappear and re-materialize in some people's minds. i could have so much power, so much insight, i would be unstoppable. maybe this is just a frivolous thought, though. i'm sure a lot of us wish we understood people better.

because of my job, i've had a lot of time on my own to think. almost too much time, really. i drive hours at a time, alone. i sleep, alone. i spend time in coffeehouses and restaurants, alone. today i drove from hibbing to grand rapids, all the while singing aloud to myself, laughing audibly at "this american life," and then, i found myself voicing concern as i thought about certain life situations, all while unweaving myself from being lost. i was a little bit ashamed, but then i realized: no one knows. then i thought of the expression "if a tree falls in the woods..." and so on, and now i've lost my train of thought.

tonight i have a college fair for one hour. i hope it's a little more inspiring than these past few have been. well, at least i'm here, making the effort. it's worthwhile.

something nice.

the "i saw you" section of the chicago reader offers a glimmer of hope for those of us stumbling through life as an unattached person in what seems like a constantly multiplying entity of couples. it gives us hope that the simple, mundane acts of a smile on the street, serving a couple in the restaurant, or sharing an elevator have the possibility to make an impact on an otherwise insignificant interaction. 

it kind of makes my day to read things like this:

Hi! We shared an elevator, and you asked if the coffee shop in the lobby had good hot tea. You also had the most radiant and captivating smile that I have ever seen; so captivating in fact, that I couldn't take my eyes away from it long enough to check and see if you were wearing a ring. If you were (wearing a ring, that is), please simply accept the sincere compliment that your genuine beauty and charm completely blew me away and brightened the whole of the rest of my day. If no ring was there, and you would like to say hello and maybe grab a nice tea or coffee sometime, feel free to send me a message.

and, then, you think--what if people have seen me this way, and i've simply dismissed them on basis of first impressions and shallow reviews and all of this? it makes me reconsider my daily interactions, even if superficial, because i guess in all our lives, bumping into others ultimately has some kind of effect on others...no matter how lasting the interaction.

dan

even in the hours after dan's passing, in the deepest states of shock and sadness, i couldn't help but to think of him and smile. i sat in a mexican restaurant with my friend, catatonic, with the buzz of mexican music and salsa around me, and stared at an empty table. you know, when you stare at something and focus not on it, but on the whirlwind of thoughts inside your head? this is what i experienced. but in that horrible, dark flood of memories and snapshots, i kept seeing dan, "little spoon," in front of me, breaking his tough-guy facial expression for a little giggle, kind of high-pitched, the way he laughed when something amused him. to me, memories like this are the only memories of dan, because i can say we only had warmth between us. and now that he's gone, a fact i still can't completely grasp, i know i've lost one of the few guys in my life who will just walk up to me and hug me, no matter how long it has been since i've seen him. people like this come few and far between.

rocking the garden!

last saturday marked one of the most glorious music festivals in my memory: rock the garden. the street between the walker art center and its famed sculpture garden was blocked off, and a huge stage constructed, and carts of happiness arrived: beer, corndogs, chipotle, merchandise. it was incredible. i arrived with my roommate, lindsay, and another friend emily, all enthusiasts of the lineup: bon iver, cloud cult, the new pornographers, and andrew bird! ....!!!!!! (trust me, the extra !s are completely worth mentioning). this day was like lutefest with a drinking permit and lack of corndog shortage. when i mention the corndogs, i am not exaggerating--i fit 12 inches of breaded dog into my belly, along with a summit brewery extra pale ale (times 3). combine food-induced elation with thousands of other passionate concert-goers, in the middle of a grassed-in setting, an you've got pure paradise. the music was the cherry on top of what was already a fantastic setting.

my roommate, lindsay, and i both work at the coffeehouse together. our supervisor and the owner, dan, is extremely passionate about music. our collection at the shop is composed of upwards of 800 CDs. so, needless to say, he knows his stuff. lindsay and i decided, along with two other coworkers who also went, that it was imperative to pay tribute to our workplace by sporting (the same) coffeehouse t-shirt. in the same color. so, three of us graced the grounds with green t-shirts boasting of our workplace. this elicited comments along the lines of, "where is this place? northfield? is northfield north of here? well if it's not north, why is it called northfield...?" and so on. it's interesting how random conversations start with people who are just willing to talk to anyone about anything, especially with a few ales and the jubilance of the atmosphere pushing their confidence.

we listened to bon iver, my roomate with a good 18 inches of corndog in her belly (i could only handle one, and laughed as lindsay threw her monthlong vegetarianism out the door with great flourish). his mellow, beautiful guitar strums and airy vocals created a lazy, beautiful feeling of joy. we took a break to lounge on the grassy hill during cloud cult, though we could still hear them and see them perfectly. the new pornographers were incredible, and we worked our way to almost the front row as the sun began to set and andrew bird came out to play. i can't completely describe my elation. he can play a million instruments, sing, and whistle at the same time and it sounds amazing. what gives, andrew?

the walk through the sculpture garden at night, the cherry on the spoon illuminated, marked the end of the lovely evening in minneapolis. dear walker: please bring this back next year, at least for me.

pt. 1

today marks the first humid day of summer, june 25th. a nice, round number, sitting right on a wednesday, poised to introduce me to the true minnesotan summer. my first thought upon exiting my house at 5.45 am to go to work: "holy hell. it is HOT, ALREADY? sweaty." 

but "hot", i mean, it's chokingly muggy. i don't think i hate it, yet. this is something i will become used to, of course, yet something else entirely when it contrasts to my arid hometown in the west. while i'm at work, i'm in a temperature controlled environment--i can only gauge the weather based on customers' perspiration or a quick glance towards the front, to see the sun or clouds. it's funny, that i am getting used to this new environment one month later.

i didn't mean to start this post with a discussion on weather, as i usually save those talks for conversations with strangers or with my grandparents, who endearingly take it as the biggest news, the most relatable points. i need to call them, badly. but in the past month of transition and re-adjustment, i have cut off a lot of communication with the outside world. when it's my family, it's wildly inappropriate, especially because my family is particularly nurturing and giving. ah, i need a corndog.

skillz

if you are new to a small town, get a job in the local coffeehouse. work mornings, preferably weekdays. more than anything, be prepared to get a taste of the local flavor unlike anywhere else in town. 

last summer, i wrote of a fascinating little place in my college town in southern minnesota. goodbye blue monday coffeehouse, its name borrowed from a kurt vonnegut story, sits at the heart of division street. its blue awning and conspicuous sign declare it the place to escape life and enter a caffeinated heaven of funky furniture, eclectic music, and a notoriously bustling crew of baristas.

now that i'm on the other side of the counter, serving instead of being served, i have discovered that coffeehouses are the ultimate in interpersonal communication skills. when i make eye contact with a customer from behind the counter, i am allowed into a few minutes of their daily life. when i finally memorize a regular's order (two caramel lattes, large to go, one half caramel, the other half decaf), i get a glimpse into an even more personal side: wants and needs. i am so fascinated by the variety of preferences that come through the door everyday. 

just an observation.